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April 25, 23:32
------------------------------------------------------------------- I've had a lot of thoughts recently, so I thought I'd ramble and post some shit here.

I've struggled with a lot ever since finishing school, mostly mentally. It would take way too long to catalogue every up and down that I went through throughout this period, but I'd like to talk a little bit about where I'm at now and maybe about things I did to get here in the first place.

I found that I would constantly deny things within myself but it would be obfuscated below ten layers of denial and brainfog. One day I was browsing around and I read a post where someone spoke about journalling and being honest with yourself. Usually when I read things like that, I would acknowledge they were probably right, but deny that it would apply to me or that it would be of any benefit to me (ignoring the reason why I was reading it in the first place)

So... I listened, bought a journal and started writing about things. I started essentially having a conversation with myself and walking step-through-step through my anxieties and worries. Surprisingly, I found that it helped a lot. It was suddenly a lot easier to put things into perspective and understand where I was in life and felt about things.

All in all, I started focusing less on my past and future, instead focusing on my immediate surroundings and finding more and more reasons to live. I've struggled with depression, anxiety and suicide for a long time. I feel I've found a decent place in this world, and I'm not as afraid for all of that to change, as it eventually will whenever I do more and more things.

The biggest change I struggled with immensely was putting off my hapiness or enjoyment of life to say to myself:

"Well, it's fine. I'll be happy in X number of years when I've achieved this, and have that, and I've done this..."

This poisoined my brain for so long and caused me to deny my surroundings and think that my life was way, way worse than it was. Sure, I still have mental issues and problems, but generally speaking I have wonderful people around me and can make it through. It wasn't all that bad.

I'm still figuring everything out, but I feel like I have significantly more reasons to live, and I feel that even when bad times come, I'll be able to navigate them with a healthier mindset.


Background tile is Kamikaze Wateru from Kurayami Dance, illustrated by Syuji Takeya

You can read it here!